remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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