mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
