Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize