return my video game
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
