He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
