god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize