He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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