I just pynch a tree in the face
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
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