peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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