In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
