This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
