thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize