so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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