So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Randomize
