Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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