I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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