i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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