My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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