Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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