I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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