My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
