Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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