you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
