You made me cry and you don't even care
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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