i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
