paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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