I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
