Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
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