I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
