We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Randomize
