sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
