I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
