I hope mine doesn't look like that
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
