Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
pop tarts are not kleenex
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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