Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
