Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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