piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize