I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
