I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
