mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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