yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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