I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
