It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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