I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
