I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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