i jhust puked up my retainher.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
