I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize