everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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