recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
