Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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