What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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