i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
