The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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