I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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