Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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