Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
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