If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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