She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
