First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Randomize
