i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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