When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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