if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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